Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Unknown kid

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, 14

Never pee on an electric fence.
Robert, 13

Stay away from prunes.
Randy, 9

Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
Emily, 10

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
Taylia, 11

Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
Traci, 14

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
Andrew, 9

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
Kyoyo, 9

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Armir, 9

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
Kellie, 11

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Naomi, 15

Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Lauren, 9

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, 10

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Alyesha, 13

Never, ever, try to baptize a cat.
Eileen,

YOU KNOW YOUR A MOM WHEN
1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
2. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

4. Your kid throws-up and you catch it.

5. Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.

7. As you cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

8. You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.

9. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

10. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"

11. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

12. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.

13. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.

14. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

15. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything."

TRUTHS ABOUT PARENTING

- A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.

- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the
world have nothing to do with tires.

- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

- Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.

- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.

- Celibacy is not hereditary.

- Familiarity breeds children.

- For adult education, nothing beats children.

- God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once.

- God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.

- Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

- Having children will turn you into your parents.

- If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks
like a neighbor, that's environment.

- If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit
down and look comfortable.

- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

- Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.

- It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate
his father.

- It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll
know as little as their parents.

- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

- One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.

- You can learn many things from children... like how much patience
you have.

- Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are
grossly underpaid.

- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob
also turns to the left.

- There are three ways to get things done:
1) do it yourself
2) hire someone to do it
3) forbid your kids to do it

- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop
wood to keep the television set going.

- Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.

- The best thing to spend on your children is time.

A MOTHER KNOWS

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle from my house, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
John."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom."

THE THINGS YOU LEARN FROM KIDS

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke - lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a forty year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades they can ignite.
A 4 year olds' voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.
Lego's will pass through the tract of a 4 year old. Duplo's will not.
Play Dough And microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
McGuyver can teach us many things we won't want to know. Ditto Tarzan.
No matter HOW much Jell-O you put in a pool, you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Neither do embroidered bed sheets.
Marbles in gas tanks make a lot of noise when driving.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
Always look in the dryer before using it.
A 4 year old can break an arm in a rotating dryer.
The fire department in Charleston has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean there's nothing to worry about.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life.
Unfortunately, mostly in retrospect.

THUMB SUCKING
  A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb,
though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting
it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats,
warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is
going to blow up like a balloon." Later
  that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting
on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."

SO KEEP THE SINGING DOWN, OK?
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way
to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"  One
bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Barney
     A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up.
     as the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope,
     he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"  The
     little girl stayed silent.  Next, the doctor took a tongue
     depressor and looked down her throat.  He asked, "Do
     you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"
     Again, the little girl was silent.  Then the doctor put a
     stethoscope to her chest.  As he listened to her heart
     beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
     "Oh, no!" the little girl replied.  "Jesus is in my heart.
     Barney's on my underpants."

Attention Children:
The Bathroom Door is Closed.

Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out. Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, I am not trapped. I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY. Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done. Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door. Do not go running back to the phone yelling She's in the BATHROOM! Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in. Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two. Do not slide pennies, Legos, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome. If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.
And yes, I still love you.

Mom

If I had my child to raise over again
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd finger paint more and point fingers less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.

I'd take my eyes off my watch,
and watch with my eyes.

I would care to know less and know to care more
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.

I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields
and gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
I'd see the oak tree in the acorn more often.

I would be firm less often
and affirm much more.

I'd model less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love.

MY FOOTSTEPS?
  An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then
four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her
stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began
playing with it. 'Be still, my heart!' thought my friend.  'My daughter wants
to follow in my footsteps!'  Then the child spoke into the instrument:
"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

A WISE LITTLE GIRL
  A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong; she must say,
"I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but
mother says I'm not."

TOO ROUGH
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find
a smooth one, can I play with him?"