Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
~~~~~
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk
and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
~~~~~
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.
~~~~~
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two and keep away from the children."
~~~~~
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
~~~~~
Funny
Ads & Bloopers
Our experienced Mom will care for your child.
Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog For Sale
Eats anything and is fond of children.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
~~~~~
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top
bunk bed until I faint. -- Erma Bombeck
~~~~~
Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on
a hanky.
~~~~~
When I was a coach for Little League Baseball, I used about the same opening speech every
year: "We have to use sportsmanship at all times. There will be no yelling at the umpires or other players and no being poor
losers. Do y'all understand ?"
At that point the kids would generally nod, then I'd add, "Good! Now please go home and
explain all that to your parents."
~~~~~
The quickest way to get any kid's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
~~~~~
I was taking a shower when my two-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself
in toilet paper.
Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out
so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.
Days later, a relative called about the
picture, laughing hysterically, and suggested I take a closer look at it.
Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked
to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror -- wearing nothing but a camera! This is
one holiday greeting my family will never forget!
~~~~~
The
Best Son
There was this little old lady who was nearly blind and she had three sons who wanted
to prove which one was the best son to her.
So Son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best
any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking her would surely
win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot that had been training
for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask of him any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word
for word. What a gift that would be.
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous
but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I
really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she confronted her second son with "Son, the car is beautiful,
it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next,
she went to son number three and said, "Son I just want to thank you for that most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."
~~~~~
Payback
Time!!!
Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the
driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the
back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those
months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes
dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these
years."
~~~~~
Dear Bubba,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you
forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize that motorcycles
aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I
am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.
Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants
to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.
I
sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing
to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
~~~~~
I could tell that my parents hated me.
My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
Rodney Dangerfield
~~~~~
At a round-table discussion, various religious leaders tried to answer the question "When
does life begin?"
"At conception," said the Catholic priest.
"No, no," said the Presbyterian minister. "it begins at
birth."
"It's in between," said the Baptist. "Life begins at 12 weeks when the fetus develops a functional heartbeat."
"I
disagree with all of you," said the rabbi. "Life begins when your last child leaves home and takes the dog with him."
~~~~~
Why Parents Get Gray Hair
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem
with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling
put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the
small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting
to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?"
Again
the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided
he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides
you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his
employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing
what?, asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and
even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an
awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than
just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
giggle: "They're looking for me"
~~~~~
Since my 16-year-old son recently received a prepaid cell phone as a gift, I've asked
him to use it to call home if he's out past his curfew. One Saturday night while waiting up for him, I dozed off in front
of the TV. Later I woke to realize that there was no sign of him, and there had been no call.
Irate, I punched in his
number. When he answered, I demanded, "Where are you, and why haven't you bothered to call?"
"Dad," he sleepily replied,
"I'm upstairs in bed. I've been home for an hour."
